The dangerous and forgetful now

Since so much of my life feels different and new, lately I’ve had to make a concerted effort to remember the context of my own life. I’m doing a great job of living in the present, but the danger is that I will forget where I’ve been and how I got here. My life has a trajectory; not one that is deterministic, but one that is affirming of who I am and what I value. It contains my hopes and dreams for the future as well as battles I’ve won and lost in my past. It lays out the plot of a story that is still being told. This chapter has its own significance but it doesn’t stand alone.

I’m afraid that the people who are meeting me in this season of my life are seeing a very one-dimensional image. This is such a calm and peaceful season, and these new friends are reaping the benefits of years of struggle, pain and therapy without knowing it. I find myself tempted to walk into the room screaming “I’m not usually this self-possessed! I can be a total basket case! Watch me unravel!!” I am pretty sure I won’t do that, but I think about it. Hopefully, the entertainment value inside my own head is enough to offset the appeal of actually doing it. I promise to give a full report here about the results if the idea escapes the confines of my internal stage and breaks into reality. Man, am I thankful for a strong filter…

But I am also afraid that I am seeing a one-dimensional image of myself as well. That I will forget or somehow take for granted the redemption and healing and battle that I’ve been through, and that it all happened – and is still happening – for a purpose. My own peace and happiness are not the ultimate end goal. I do not want to spend my freedom on myself. But I also don’t want to dwell on the past, sifting through the dust like an archaeologist piecing together an ancient civilization. It’s a tricky dance, and so far, I think I’ve just been swaying lethargically like a seventh grader in the school cafeteria after a football game (speaking of ghosts from my past that have shaped who I am… oh, those were awkward years). I can do better. I can celebrate healing without glorifying pain. I can remember where I’ve been without reliving it. And I can use the measure of freedom I have been given to give back. And, I can give credit where credit is due: I would literally have nothing without you, God. Thank you.